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ellie.

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gone. [Feb. 9th, 2009|09:14 pm]
[Mood; | crushed]

remember when there was that one thing you did, that one thing you thought about constantly, that one thing which you practically made into your life.. that one thing that took you to a whole different place, that one thing that made you want to push yourself one step further than you thought you could manage?

that one thing where you form a bond so close with another creature they become your best friend, and everyone else finds it crazy, but you don't? because only you can understand the magic they bring into your life, the magic on how they make you feel. because what you have with them is something more than magic, you are the only one who can feel it.

no one could explain the feeling of when you ride one of these beautiful creatures, the way they move so gracefully across the ground, the way you can feel the power of their legs underneath you, and the pure joy you feel that you are the one making them do all this.

nothing feels better than when you jump the amazing creature and you feel their legs move from beneath you, and it feels like it takes you to a different world - it takes you somewhere else, and you feel amazing.

i have never gotten closer to anyone than i did with my horse - i told him all my secrets, and the look in his eyes just made me imagine i could trust him, and i knew i could. our bond was unbreakable, he was such a good friend to me. every time i rode him, we accomplished something new - whether it was we jumped something higher, or we learnt a new dressage move.. it made me feel so much better about myself. it made me trust him incredibly.

no one can understand how close you can get to a horse - unless they have experienced the magic itself. nothing feels better.

the day my horse left my heart tore in two. and it will stay like that, ripping such a big hole out of my heart. it feels like my life is suddenly gone, and to tell you - it is. this is going to hurt, and i would do anything to get back in the saddle again.

this hurts so much, my life is gone.
i miss you pepi.

& i love you. forever.
despite what happened, it wasn't your fault.
i would still trust you.



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think about it. [Oct. 29th, 2008|08:44 pm]
[Mood; | full]
[Music; |my black dahlia - hollywood undead.]

at this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.
six billion souls.
and sometimes, all you need is one.





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perfect? [Oct. 29th, 2008|08:42 pm]
[Mood; | enraged]
[Music; |not a second to waste - a rocket to the moon.]

PERFECT.
definition: being entirely without fault or defect.
why try to be something that's in between
penguin and ping pong in the dictionary?
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love. [Oct. 29th, 2008|08:38 pm]
[Mood; | envious]
[Music; |pulling teeth - the red shore.]

love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.
if you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
fall head over heels. i say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.
and how do you find him? forget your head and listen to your heart.
run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.
to make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived life at all.
you have to try. because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
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dreaming. [Oct. 8th, 2008|08:03 pm]
[Mood; | loved]
[Music; |still dreaming - silverstein.]

i had a dream once, and in this dream was a boy; a boy whose smile alone would change the shape of time, move the largest of mountains, and speak to the hardest of hearts. a boy who created the greatest joy of all those around him. a boy who was the most perfect and amazing person. i kept dreaming about this one boy who would be all i could eve ask for, all i could ever need. when i met him, that was the first time i realized that this dream i had been dreaming was more than that; it is my reality. you're my dream come true, all in all and my love for you grows so strong.

i love you.. three amazing little words. they say so much, yet cannot begin to convey all of the feelings: how you have captured my heart, become a vital part of my life that i need more and more each day. they do not tell how you are always on my mind, how i think of you constantly, and how i am filled with joy with each thought of you. it is all so incredible and so wonderful, defying adequate description.

i love you.. how can those words describe how much you have become a part of me? how can they tell that you are the part of me that has been missing all my life? how can they tell of the joy, pleasure, satisfaction, desire, and a million other feelings within my heart, all because of you and the love you have given me?

i love you,, such words can never speak all these things in my heart, mind, body and soul,
yet somehow magically..
they tell it all.
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fuck you all. [Aug. 27th, 2008|09:46 pm]
[Mood; | confused]
[Music; |always the hard way - terror.]

the realization that i still don't know what i'm doing here, put in perspective i am nothing, it feels like something has been wasted, and i am fading. time is growing against me as i grow tired of being just another soul spent searching for something inside, i hate my fucking guts, i hate desire, i hate lust, i hate humanity, i hate instinctively, i hate this fucking world for fucking hating me.

have you ever felt so desperate? have you ever felt so dense inside? everything turns grey and desolate, everything feels weathered and fragile. everyone you thought you loved, took you for a ride in a city called 'fucked' and smashed through your dreams, head first down a one way street, singing 'i don't know where things went wrong for me', and this isn't how i pictured me, afraid to grow into the person i aspired to be.

i tell myself that i know i don't want to be the person who tells stories of the all things that were ripped from my hands before i truly grasped them. and i know if we shutdown in stages then let this be the last time that i ever fucking gave a shit, with my head in my hands, i never meant anything more than this.
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life. [Aug. 23rd, 2008|09:06 pm]
[Mood; | optimistic]
[Music; |when the day met the night - panic at the disco.]

i'm ellie jane whye.
living my life, living it with no regrets.
life's only short; why not make the most of it?
who cares what people think?
go out, have fun, and have a fuckin' good time.
don't live your life in the shadows, don't live life being negative.
live each day being positive and with a smile on your face.
don't live in the past, life for now - live for the present.
live your life being happy with who you are.
live your life the way you want to live it.
live life seeing yourself for who you really are.
live life for you - and no one else.

yep i'm definitely changing.

talk shit, think you're better than everyone else and get involved with everyone's lives.
but dude don't forget; we all bleed red.
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on my mind. [Aug. 13th, 2008|07:08 pm]
[Mood; | depressed]
[Music; |all again for you - we the kings.]

it's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it
but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives
so why do we take things for granted?

i hate me, i hate everything about me.
i hate who i am.

i hate who i'm changing into; i hate who i've been.

i lose everyone, i ruin everying.
i either hold on too tight, or not strong enough.

the one person i don't want to lose, is georgia.
i just wanted to tell you that your the most beautiful person in the world.
your my everything.. my best friend,
you make me smile. i love you so much.
i never want to lose you as a friend.

i'm sad.
living in the past, is dragging me down.
when i should just be happy.

and not live in the past, nor in the future.
i should just live.. for now.
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the people in my life. [Aug. 6th, 2008|08:17 pm]
[Mood; | blank]
[Music; |streetlight - the getaway plan.]

i have a best friend, her name is georgia.
she has been with me through thick and thin for
over six years now, no one could make me happier.
words can not explain how strong the bond i have with
her is, we are unbreakable.

i have a second best friend, her name is eve.
i have known her for a short amount of time, of course
we have our ups and downs, and in the end we both come
out stronger.

i have a boyfriend, his name is tom.
he makes me feel as if i'm worth something and every
moment i spend with him makes me happier than ever.
i want to be with him forever and i know he is the only boy
i'll ever need.

i have a mum, her name is jane.
i wish i was close to her all the time, instead of half the time.
as people say, you only have one mum, so treasure them like
crazy. i don't understand why she puts herself through what
she does, she's an amazing lady.

i have a dad, his name is michael.
me and him are exactly alike, and at most times we don't
get along, i wish we did. he is fair special to me, i just
don't understand him. at all.

i have a sister, her name is kate.
she is a complete fucking legend. we are really fucking
tight, she makes me laugh and she makes me smile. i
couldn't ask for a better sister.

i have a brother, his name is matt.
we aren't that close, but we are pretty darn cool, and we
have fun, and sure he teases me about every little thing
but in the end, he teaches me the most important
things about life.

i have a friend, her name is jessica.
we may be far apart, but we are still under the same sky.
i really do miss you, i value every second i spend with
you.

i have a horse, his name is pepi.
he has a heart the size of a pea.
that doesn't stop the amount of love i have for him.
he is amazing.
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get fucked. [Jul. 23rd, 2008|07:23 pm]
[Mood; | bitchy]
[Music; |kiss the rings - carpathian.]

I HATE LIFE, seriously.
no reason to fucking smile when that dickhead hurt me like crazy.
i gave my fucking heart to him, i gave him everything.
i was always there. i cared.
i was in love with him.
he threw everything back in my face, now i'm hurting on the inside.
this sucks.

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love. [Jul. 23rd, 2008|02:21 pm]
[Mood; | lonely]
[Music; |red light pledge - silverstein.]

sometimes i wish i could tell you everything, make everything alright.

 i don't know if it'll ever get that good again, and i'm afraid to let go of this and afraid to start something new, because what if it's never the same? what if you were the best one for me?

if i could meet you again for the first time, what would i say? knowing you'd become my first love in the future and we'd become glue and somewhere down the line... we didn't stick anymore.



there will come a day, when you lay your head on a girls chest and you realize her heartbeat doesn't match yours.



our love was so strong that we felt each others love from 3,000 miles away.



i will love you until i can say no more. you hung the stars in the sky, what makes you think you can not love me again? i find it impossible to get through to you but for some reason after a year i'm still fighting for it. still fighting for that phone call from you, to hear your voice on the other end. to know that i'm happy again. i just wish you knew how much i miss you. how much time i spend thinking about you. how much time i put in my day to think of things to do to get you back.



i fell in love with him because the first thing i had done to him was hurt him. i might of never noticed him as a person if i had not seen the pain in his eyes.




the time came and i was waiting for him to leave. i didn't wait. i wasn't really able to think about what was happening. i was just there. it was that day again, and then it wasn't. this was several times happening. sometimes i'd reach out to touch his face so i'd know i wasn't alone. someone said that the pain would go away but i'm not sure that's where i want it to go. it's how i feel him most sharply, and without it... every move i make echos because he's not here to absorb me. i don't like bouncing back at myself.

it's no event, it's nothing that happened, it's just you. the anger and the beauty that never really goes away. it's not something you could wait out as it disappears, nothing ever really just disappears. love grows far beyond the physical person. it finds it's deepest meaning in their spiritual being, their inner self. whether or not they're actually present... somehow it's important to me. i just wish the people you want the most, want you just the same. i wish the people you were with for so many years are actually your soul mates, are actually the people you do marry.



they're gone and I can't do anything about it. and that's the hardest part, is when you can't do anything about it when you know you want to and you know you would if you could. but you're happy, if he's living his life in happiness and in love, even if it's not with you. you're happy, You're happy because at least he's still smiling..
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people. [Jul. 17th, 2008|10:28 pm]
[Location; |FTW - deez nuts.]
[Mood; | angry]

why do people always feel the need to tell YOU how to live YOUR life?
it's complete fucking bullshit.
who i am is all i have.
and i don't want to change. not for anyone. no one.
i don't need to waste my time on people who don't need it,
people don't know shit.
i hate people, in general.
this world is a bitter fucking place to live,
and i hate it here.

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worhtlessness. [Jul. 17th, 2008|09:59 pm]
[Mood; | mellow]
[Music; |fall for you - secondhand serenade.]

i hate hurting on the inside.
it's the worst feeling, in the world.
when you found someone, you thought they cared.
you loved them, you cared for them.
then one day someone points out how much they are hurting and abusing you,
and how they are abusing the privelidge to be your friend.
then, it makes you hurt inside.
to know that, someone ELSE has to point out how much YOU are hurting on the inside.
you fall for the same lies, over and over.
you get treated exactly the same. in a way that hurts.
you get treated, like a stick.
like something that gets thrown away, and can get picked up whenever it needs to be.
it hurts to think people feel about you like this.
when someone hurts you so much, and you cannot hurt them back.
when you give your ALL to them.

sometimes i wish, i could go and live, in a box.. on the street.
live a life without conflict, and so called "love".
the only thing i would have to worry about,
is my box getting wet..

i wish life was easy.
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imagine. [Jul. 17th, 2008|09:56 pm]
[Mood; | sad]
[Music; |mix tape - brand new.]

imagine you lived life backwards.. & that you knew when you were going to die.. would you make every second count?
i believe you live life the way you want to. people being drawn into categories should shoot themselves before their true identity is lost in narcissm. maybe if people looked inside themselves before their mirror they would find their true identity & be who they were created to be. to live life with a purpose, souly built for themselves.
i believe that there is so much more to life then waking up alone in your cold, hard bed, spending hours on your appearance which always ends up being 27% worse then you hoped it to be, choosing clothes to wear that you hope you wont see anyone else wearing. shrugging at your parents then slamming the door, pulling your bag over your shoulder, sparking up a cigarrette & walking down a long, deserted road alone thinking through your day, re-adjusting your heels to make them click in time with the slow movements of your most likely too skinny legs. getting on a train with an expired ticket. staring out the train window with your tunes on repeat until you reach your destination. bumping into strangers that know your name, and although you've never even seen them before you warmly smile and appreciate their prescence. walking down scummy streets full of junkies then finally seeing a bunch of familiar faces as you smile & wave and take a seat. spending your day sitting at gloria jeans with close friends smoking cigarettes rambling about your weekend, or the cute new boy you have your eye on. about how much you hate someone, blaming other people for your own foolish mistakes & misfortunes, or how you wish to be someone better then you made yourself to be. then when the time is right, spark up another cancer stick & walk back to the same dreadful place you woke up in. you fall asleep hoping for a better day.
life goes on.
deal with it.
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it's amazing how. [Jul. 11th, 2008|05:47 pm]
[Mood; | happy]
[Music; |monsters - matchbook romance.]

happy a single living creature can make you.
my horse makes me so happy, words cant even explain.
the bond we have is unbreakable.. i can prove that.
and we will only need each other.
my horse, pepi, is amazing.
and he is all i need.

horses are beautiful.
the bond you can form with a horse.. is simply amazing.
i strongly believe a horse has a better heart than any human does.
the way you can talk to a horse.. as if it is another person.
and tell it completely how you're feeling.
and even though you know they cannot understand;
even just the feeling of knowing that they are at least listening
tells you they are there.
and the way they stare at you with their big brown eyes..
makes it seem like they understand.

what i see in him, other people cannot see with their eyes.
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some boy. [Jul. 1st, 2008|09:32 pm]
[Mood; | optimistic]
[Music; |like a knife - secondhand serenade.]

 so..
there's this boy.
i think he's fucking amazing.
i don't care if he doesn't feel the same way.

i have never been in love.
this boy has taught me love.
i trusted him, i gave my whole heart to him.
and in return, he loved me.

i want him, to be in my life forever.
he makes me really happy.
he makes my heart skip beats.
he can make me heart beat fast and slow, at the same time..
it's so amazing.
no one has ever made me feel this way before.
he makes me feel so alive.

we've had our ups and downs..
and every single time.
we come out on top.

i'm falling for him.
harder and faster, each day.
i don't think i'm ever going to stop falling for him.
ever. and i don't want to. 

"i just can't get you off my mind, but why would i even try? 
even when i close my eyes, i dream about you all the time..

and even if the moon fell down tonight, you don't have to
worry about a thing at all, because you make the whole
world shine.."

the love of my life.
i dont know what ive done to deserve you.
such a perfect person, in every way possible.
from the moment i wake,
to the moment my head hits the pillow,
you are on my mind.
and even then, i still see you in my dreams.
my life wouldnt be the same, without you in it.
you are my heart and soul, the air that i breathe.
without your love, i'd be lost.
ive never felt this way before,
and i doubt i will about anything else, ever.
I'll love you, till the day i die, and thats a promise.

your the first person who's ever made me feel like
i really mean something to someone.

i love youuu... (LLLL)

3 words
all i ever wanted.
now only 2 i need? 
fuck you

i love tom wiseman :) 
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sometimes. [Jul. 1st, 2008|09:30 pm]
[Mood; | sleepy]
[Music; |coffinspire - norma jean.]

have you ever felt that sometimes;
the life your living is a complete lie? 

i have.
your friends are a lie.
your all a joke.
you feel worthless, you feel pathetic.
you can't remember a time where you ever felt needed.
and the only thing that runs through your mind is;
it only takes one person to care.
only one person.
and once you've found that person.
you've found absolutely everything.

i just need people to be there for me.
i'm sick of being upset, over nothing.
hmm.
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everything. [Jun. 22nd, 2008|10:02 pm]
[Mood; | productive]
[Music; |new american classic - taking back sunday.]

life is great.
everything is finally strarting to get better now, all going back on track.
i finally realised that; living a life of misery is not what i wanted, nor needed.
living this way is so much better.
i have amazing people in my life, guiding me the right way along my path.
they make me sosososo happy.

i've now learnt that life is only what you make it,
so therefore i'm trying to make it the best i can.
living each day as if it's my last,
smiling, laughing and being happy, 
ultimately surrounded by the people i love.

i shouldn't keep stuff on my mind..
i should get it out, in the open.
but i hate that, i don't trust anyone. no one.
it's hard not being down, at times.. 
but then, there are people. that make you feel worthless.
i went through all the people in my life, took out who i didn't need,
and placed who i need, deep down in my heart.

see, now after writing this.. 
there's a stack of stuff on my mind.
i guess i'm just really greatful.
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perfection. [Jun. 22nd, 2008|11:26 am]
[Mood; | intimidated]
[Music; |the fear in your eyes - gwen stacy.]

today's society demands perfection. 
the sillier thing is: 
many people still don't realize this is unattainable. 
we go to the extremes to mold ourselves 
into what we believe to be beautiful 
and forget that the inside still has a wound that would heal 
if only we could accept reality and the discomforts that ride along beside it. 
we forget our self-worth isn't our glamorous shoes 
or flawless hair 
and get caught up with these trends that will suck you dry then leave to chase the next best thing 
just like everyone (thing) else.

 

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life. [Jun. 22nd, 2008|11:25 am]
[Mood; | cheerful]
[Music; |lionheart - have heart.]

life can be great 
or it can be horrible. 
a wise man didn't lie when he said 'it's what you make it'. 
being both sane and not so sane in my lifetime has opened my eyes to many things; 
you have to see both sides to truly understand. 
either way, life is, without questioning, the greatest gift of all. 
cherish it, live it to the fullest, never regret, 
forgive without forgetting, and remember to count your blessings regularly.

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